


Elixir

by SolarMoon59



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, Gen, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 18:49:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18452495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolarMoon59/pseuds/SolarMoon59
Summary: Roxas's return should have been a happy time, but feelings of depression and fear follow him into his new life.Sora offers him an easy solution.





	Elixir

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by @sorabuttpockets on Twitter, who came up with the idea of dangerous potion use. I modified it a bit to elixir here.

After coming back, everything was right, everything was wrong.

Feelings of happiness, of finally being with his friends, of being with Axel and Xion, those were all supposed to alleviate any negativity he'd feel.

But the nightmares still came. Desperate looks to make sure his friends were real, that they weren't going to die, persisted, followed him like a shadow he couldn't outrun.

They suggested he go see someone. Who would he see? Roxas couldn't bring himself to tell anyone his pain and worries, least he'd ruin what happiness they finally obtained after so long. Who would even understand his complicated history?

One night, he cried, hiding in the Tunnelway, his heart twisting and his mind reeling. He wanted it to stop, he wanted to be with his friends, he wanted to stop existing, he didn't want to disappear again.

Like everyone else, Sora noticed his bouts of depression.

Unlike everyone else, Sora had an easy solution.

Together, invited to his other half's room, Sora offered Roxas an elixir.

He initially was suspicious. Unlike potions, elixirs were made of much stronger ingredients, they came with strict warnings not to drink in excess, to only take a little at a time. He couldn't imagine why Sora would offer it to him, knowing that they weren't harmed or even needed it.

Then he explained.

The joy of feeling at the top of the world, of forgetting all his troubles and letting the river of ecstasy wash him away.

It was too good to be true.

Roxas wanted it to be true.

Pushing down his doubts, he accepted the golden bottle.

Nevermind Sora's pale skin, his slightly bloodshot eyes, his jilted demeanor. Nevermind the worried looks Riku gave the other boy when they were together. If Sora said it would help, then Roxas was willing to try it, anything to ease the pain in his heart.

-

The first drink was absolute euphoria.   
Roxas couldn't remember a time where he felt this elated, healthy, good. For a while, it felt as if the entire world was right, that the feeling of happiness and wonder would never go away. He cradled the spent elixir against his chest, staring at the ceiling of his room in awe and wonder. He never noticed how beautiful it all was, even the small cracks in the ceiling felt right.

He never wanted that feeling to end.

When it finally wore off, he found himself wanting. The empty bottle was tossed into the trash, wrapped in layers of newspaper.

Meeting up with Xion and Axel later, they noticed his improved mood, and Roxas smiled wider then he had before. It was fine, he was fine. He'd only done it once after all. 

Just once.

\--

The second time he drank elixir, it was during a depressive episode. Nothing in particular triggered it, but Roxas found himself drawing away from everyone. Xion, Naminé, even Axel couldn't alleviate the pain and sadness that weighed heavily on the boy's shoulder.

It was Sora he finally went to, and it was with him he drank it. 

Once again, his feelings of elation came back to him, and Roxas sunk into it without a second thought.

"it's amazing, isn't it? Roxas?"

With a renewed vigor, he nodded his agreement, stretching out on the bed besides his other half.

"Exactly... it's incredible." Sora's hand touched his, and Roxas remembered just how good it felt to touch another person, to feel like he belonged. "Don't worry, if you ever feel like that again, you can come here, okay?"

Roxas didn't think he could turn that offer down.

\---

A third time slipped into a fourth, and a fourth, a fifth. For a time, everyone noticed his improved behaviour. Hanging out with Hayner, Pence, and Olette didn't stress him, sitting besides Xion and Axel on the clocktower didn't bring back memories of loss.

It was good, all thanks to elixir. Despite the price and the difficulty of obtaining it, he found it all well worth it.

And then he began to slip.

\--

"Roxas? What's this?"

Standing in the doorway to his room, Xion held an empty elixir bottle in her hand, her eyes filled with an expression he simply couldn't place. Roxas looked at the bottle, then to his phone. 

"It went bad, so I dumped it out." The idea made his insides clench. "Forgot I had it."

"Oh." She looked to the golden bottle, but seemed to relent here. "I suppose that makes sense... just... be careful with this stuff, okay?"

He laughed, smiling at his best friend. "What, you think I'd do something stupid? I'm fine, Xion. It's nothing but an expired bottle."

Her smile returned, and she nodded her agreement. "Right, of course. Thanks Roxas."

Soon after the exchange, Roxas spent time rubbing away the expiration date on his new bottle. He'd use less, that would work.

\- 

When Xion tossed the bottle, she faintly noted the date on it. It didn't expire until that exact day.

\----

Very quickly, Roxas noticed a problem.

It wasn't his skin paling, nor was it the ache he felt in his muscles he felt when he didn't drink elixir for a while.

Neither was it the nightmares of being left forgotten, of Xion disappearing or Axel destroying himself to save someone who wasn't him.

No, it was the fact the elixir wasn't working as well as before. 

Panic began to set in, staring down at the empty bottle in his hand. One was no longer enough, but he needed it. He needed that high so he wasn't depressed, so he wasn't sliding back into his own mind. He nearly broke the elixir in his hand.

No, he was okay, he'd be fine. It would kick in, just later than usual. He was sure of it.

-

At the clocktower however, Roxas questioned his own decision. The others hadn't even arrived, yet he could only stare lifelessly into the sky. It felt bleak, wrong, for him to be here.

His emptiness was broken by the sight of sea-salt ice cream being pushed into his face. 

"What's with the long face? Not happy to be here?" Axel asked, setting himself besides Roxas.

The boy gaped momentarily, then took the treat from him, tasting it.

It wasn't as good as it was before. 

"No, I'm fine."

Axel glanced to the other, his other hand rubbing the back of his head. He seemed worried about something, but Roxas couldn't muster up the strength to care. Even when the look of worry was directed at himself, he didn't feel anything in particular. "You know, Roxas... you've been... weird lately. Kinda like, well, a zombie."

"A zombie?" Roxas snorted, forcing down another bite of ice cream. "Do I look like a zombie to you?"

"Well, you are kinda pale, you haven't been talking much lately either. In fact you've kinda grown... distant. Everyone's been worried."

Everyone? Worried? Roxas barely swallowed a third bite, before letting his hand sink. "... sorry."

"What? No, you don't gotta apologize! Just," Axel seemed to be struggling with words. Roxas wondered if it was his fault. "You know we're here - I'm here - if you need something, anything. Got it memorized?"

Usually Axel's use of his silly catchphrase put a smile on his face, but Roxas couldn't bring himself to do even that. He felt as if he'd be sick, and there was a tingling in his body that just wouldn't go away.

So he stood, dropping the ice cream to the ground. "Yea, but I'm okay Axel, I'll be fine."

"Roxas-" 

He ran.

Ran past his friends, who were only just arriving, past Xion and Pence, who reached out desperately to stop him.

He wanted to cry, to scream at the heavens, to dig deep into his skin and pull out the pain he felt.

Roxas needed elixir.

Except it wasn't working anymore.

He stopped once he was far from the prying eyes of the townsfolk, inside the empty walls of the Tunnelway, fell to his knees, and let himself go.

\---

Sora suggested he try something else. Roxas couldn't begin to fathom what that would be, not until Sora brought him to his room again, and held it out to him.

A mega-elixir. He faintly remembered reading that it was meant to be shared, to only drink a sip, as the potency was far greater then the regular version. Too much could cause intense side-effects, leading down the road to something far worse.

But, he had nothing else left. His skin was clammy, his stomach hurt.

And now he ran from his own friends.

So despite Sora saying he only needed to drink a little to feel good, he grabbed the extravagant bottle, and downed the whole thing at once, ignoring the shocked look on the other boys’ face.

It was instantaneous. Relief flooded Roxas's exhausted body, flowing from head to toe like a waterfall of pleasure.

A smile spread across his lips, and despite himself, he laughed. After a moment, Sora joined him, both falling backwards onto the bed. 

"Ha... I never thought you'd drink the whole thing... those are hard to get, you know."

"Are they?" Roxas would have to somehow keep a stockpile then. It would be expensive, but it wasn't like he didn't spend most of his munny on elixirs anyway. "... thanks, Sora."

"No problem, Roxas."

Not once did Roxas question the overtly messy room they were in, Sora's now obvious bloodshot eyes or his increased shakes.

Even when he left, Riku having given him a hard look before heading straight to Sora's room, what sounded like angry, yet desperate words being exchanged. Roxas didn't think on any of it.

He simply needed to gather more elixir, no matter what it took, so he wouldn't feel like that again.

\--

It was harder than he expected to get mega-elixir.

The price was steep, and the ingredients near impossible to gather a lot of. Roxas found himself desperately trying to make munny in any way he could.

More than once, he found himself asking his friends to loan him some cash, and more often than not, he couldn't pay them back. Hayner looked at him like he was crazy, Xion, pity. Axel told him he knew something was wrong, and he vehemently denied it, going so far as to avoid any interaction that would lead to questioning his habits, much to Axel's chagrin.

Roxas wondered briefly if they knew.

His nightmares were worse on days were he didn't take a dose, becoming terrors that woke him in the middle of the night, screaming until Axel quieted him down, holding his head against his chest until he was hiccuping through tears, curled in the man's arms. He didn't eat much, flavours were bland unless he was high, and Roxas didn't see how thin he was becoming. He felt like a burden on his friends, coupled with his own bouts of depression and going back to them for munny, it was terrifyingly difficult to stop anything.

Bent over the toilet, Roxas heaved what little was left in his stomach, bile left on his tongue and his cheek pressed against the cold porcelain, as if just the slight comfort could heal him.

He needed elixir, he desperately needed it now.

Reaching into his pocket, Roxas pulled out his most recent acquirement, after having begged Terra without qualm. He seemed so worried, but in the end, the man had handed over some munny, and Roxas gleefully spent it away.

It would all be fine, he would be fine.

Putting the bottle to his lips, Roxas began to drink it whole again.

Then he froze.

A spasm wracked his weakened body, his grip on the bottle loosening dramatically. He felt like he was dying, the pain was so intense. The elixir slid from his fingers, hitting the ground and spilling golden liquid across the floor.

Roxas couldn't even feel his despair for losing his only hope, his mind seized up from the feeling. 

Then there was a crack.

He wasn't sure what had happened, only that he was lying on the ground, staring at the shimmery liquid of the elixir. He felt something wet gathering below him, but he didn't know or care what it was. 

As the edges of his vision began to fade, he lifted a weakened hand, touching the empty bottle, unable to grasp it.

In the darkness and pain, he heard voices, but the feeling of cold enveloped him, and he finally felt rest.

**Author's Note:**

> If you know anyone suffering from addiction, please get them help. They might resent your help, but they desperately need it.


End file.
